Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Do People Really Fall for This?

November 6, 2008

I just got an email from Wells Fargo saying that my account was deactivated until I faxed some information to them. It was done to prevent any unauthorized transactions.

  • First name
  • Last name
  • SSN
  • Adress [sic]
  • City
  • Zipcode
  • Phone number
  • E-mail address
  • Credit/debit card number (16 digits numbers of your card)
  • Expiration Date
  • Code Verification number(3 digits number of [sic] the back of your card)
  • ATM PIN ( for bank customer verification)

I don’t have a Wells Fargo account so I just sent them my bank’s information. I hope they re-activate it soon as I need to buy gas this morning.

Advertisements

The Onion Never Fails Me

November 6, 2008

Hilarious. {via}

Meepin’ Funny

September 15, 2008

“The truth is that the Muppet you know as ‘Beaker’ actually spoke perfect English. The sound you think of as his voice is just the sound that the censors used to cover up his incredibly foul mouth.” — Scott Meyer, “How to Reveal a Shocking Truth to a Person Who’s Not Ready for the Truth”

Review of “What I’d Say to the Martians” by Jack Handey

August 17, 2008

Jack Handey’s What I’d Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats is easily the funniest book I’ve read in recent memory. If you’re familiar with Deep Thoughts or Fuzzy Memories from Saturday Night Live, you may be surprised to learn that Jack Handey is an actual guy who writes like that normally.

You’ll find this collection of essays, short stories, and sketches funny throughout if you like his particular style of humor, which I do. You’ll appreciate the helpful asides in “My Nature Documentary”:

Show monkey finding binoculars. Monkey learns how to use binoculars. (Have plenty of film, because this may take a long time.) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his point of view, which finally focuses on yes, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with joy.

Or the view of self presented in “How I Want to Be Remembered”:

According to our scientists, with their electronic soul trackers, Jack is in Heaven now. And not just regular Heaven, which any jerk can get in to, but special secret Heaven that even some angels don’t know about.

There’s much to be learned about management from his essay on “The Respect of the Men”:

You don’t get the respect of the men right away. You can try, by getting down in the dirt and begging them for it, or by kissing their boots, or by doing your funny cowboy dance for them. But trust me, these are not going to work.

I especially liked the science-ish article on “The Animals Around Us”:

Or consider even smaller animals, which live unnoticed among the hairs of our private regions. They are called crabs. No, don’t worry, they aren’t actual crabs. And they certainly aren’t large enough to eat, unless you could somehow get thousands of them. But they are with us, year after year.

My favorite nugget is entitled “Attila the Hun’s Greatest Speech,” which is introduced as the source for many of the most famous orations in history and consists entirely of famous lines interspersed with motivational statements to the assembled Huns like “Caesar, tear down this wall! Or at least open the gates and we’ll tear it down for you.”

I could go on and on selecting bits from this short but hilarious work, but I’m pretty sure that I’d run afoul of copyright soon. I found myself guffawing on more than one occasion; if these quotes or his earlier work tickled your funny bone, I can’t recommend this book highly enough.

A Gulag By Any Other Name

August 15, 2008

“Speaking of China, it has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. … Or, as they’re commonly called in China, ‘jails.'” — Conan O’Brien, monologue to his show

Garnered a Chuckle

July 15, 2008

I love it when I come across evidence of a sense of humor when reading technical documentation. I bet someone at Apple had a good time crafting this:

Listing 1  An hour and a half from now
NSDate *today = [NSDate date];
NSDateComponents *offsetComponents = [[NSDateComponents alloc] init];
[offsetComponents setHour:1];
[offsetComponents setMinutes:30];
// Calculate when, according to Tom Lehrer, World War III will end
NSDate *endOfWorldWar3 = [gregorian dateByAddingComponents:comps toDate:today options:0];

For those that don’t get the reference, watch this video of him performing it. (My familiarity with the song was from countless Sunday nights listening to Doctor Demento on the radio.)

Rick, Rick, He’s Our Man

April 1, 2008

Over at Found on the Web, I’ve made my first April Fool’s joke. As you might expect, it’s Rick-Roll related.

Here’s the Javascript I used:


<script type="text/javascript" language="javascript">
var links = document.getElementsByTagName("a");
for (var i=0; i < links.length; i++)
{
links[i].onclick = function()
{
location.href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0";return false;
};
}
</script>

It gets every hyperlink on the page, loops over them, and adds an onclick event handler that performs the redirect.

Come Again

February 1, 2007

I just got an email from actress Jessica Alba:

Boys grow mammogram homeless, possible, lawsuit bird? Opencube internets css drop. Technical report misuse return powered active data hall homepage. Beach brown promises kfed agree temporary joint custody.
Killing youcertain soaps boys, grow mammogram homeless possible.
Janet wood chrissy snow ad. Economy, finalists cheers greet, wall street bushs economic balks.
Beu, drbeu, jillstcrux windows.
Latenight cartoon sent bomb squads blames cops woman miscarried.
Covered right neutral chalk nicely explain?
Cat rises bears fan.
Mystic rev dr obviously.
Bull mount, policies aguilera upmy hurthello either turned. Sour powerful emotion friday et congdon, videoblog, audio. Colelily cantliya engelluca fuemamarie, boehrmarta penavamay woodinmey. Face lift, chrissys stupid cousin.
Soon, october, inch rainfall county typed ltmikehgt california!
Effect drops dead dont, have available lol small, but.
Big lump criticims xp due bla easy target. Airline delaysroll dice chinese iran enemy sunnis. Anderson, love hewitt kate beckinsale elisha. Youd identity loading times. Voting garnered impressive amount cast crew santa barbara.
Harry july guide seabiscuit barbaros. Generated bans smoking publicun, panel ceasefire marred, chavez rein. Offer fiber optics when everyone knows photonic no, lot. Everyone knows photonic no. Outrageous brulee brownie lucky duck reduxeagle lugging? Dawsongt some every revert ooh three row. Ad nauseam, tell thomes.
Happens them theyre, cia impostors? Rigghts prefer separate criticism.
Shipping save uk web message bymurphyc, search raquo copies.
Return powered active data. Contained therein, breaking feature stories morning weekabc gma fivestar.
Du breaks surrealist painting zockys head, surrealism.
Hilton, scarlett johansson salma. Fast, enough, keep address, president honourable treason breech. Odonnell hypocrite, fractures, leg, skiing accident, exmiss.
Forest typing sucks localzukgt general, question generally favour. Germanyis, revenge, sweet sour powerful, emotion friday, et.
Thinks bad stand hours until. Cantliya engelluca fuemamarie boehrmarta penavamay woodinmey. Banninated moodangsty, rests settle court extra harassment!

Those stars and their crazy talk! Oh wait, it could be a Vogon poem. Interesting.

All Chin

February 1, 2007

So, Allchin’s retired now. It was probably just Vista that did him in, but you never know what lies in the hearts of men.

Working Theory

January 22, 2007

Brown’s Theory of Multitudinous Object Cleanup: After cleaning up seemingly all of the objects, there will be one remaining unretrieved on the periphery of one’s vision. And then one more after that.

Also known as my developing theory of Lego and puzzle cleanup.